We're in the home stretch! Just a few more days and this entire mystery will begin to unfold before us. In some ways I'm super excited to finally meet this baby after this long and eventful pregnancy, but in other ways I'm slightly terrified because it's the start of a whole other adventure including a NICU stay of some sort, a potential brain surgery right in the first couple days, feeding tubes, medicines, machines, all these things we've never had to experience before. I know how to be pregnant, I've done that twice now. But the whole sick baby thing is foreign, and therefore frightening.
When we first found out about Kinsley having ventriculomegaly, and then hydrocephalus, and then semilobar holoprosencephaly, I felt like it was all my fault. Like my body was somehow incapable of doing the one thing that a woman's body is destined to be able to do. It was disheartening to know I pulled it off once, but that this time around, I couldn't do the same thing. The other day though I realized how miraculous my body has actually been through all this. The fact that our baby's brain didn't divide in half all the way is not my fault. I can try to blame myself, but until we get our full genetic testing done over the next few months, it's basically a freak accident. And even then we can just blame my parents and Derek's parents for giving us a combination of genetics that don't work well together right (I joke, we love you guys!)? When statistics, research, and medical knowledge all tell you that this baby shouldn't have made it full term, that's when you realize that you've got one awesome body. My body has housed, nurtured, and protected this little life that is so fragile. I've been able to carry this baby for 39 weeks and have had no problems... aside from that one time when my pulse was 128 at the doctors office... woof. But it's amazing to think that when most people's body's naturally miscarry these babies, mine was able to keep it alive and thriving.
I'm so grateful that I've been able to go through this pregnancy. Our little family has learned so much about God's love, patience, and perseverance over the last 20 weeks than I think some people are able to learn in a lifetime. And while this is just the beginning, and that the road is only going to get more rough from here (until we get used to everything that is), we know who it is that's going to be able to get us through whatever happens. We're grateful for the gospel, and a loving Heavenly Father whose knowledge and timing will always be far better than our own.